Just some thoughts about a crazy me!

Hello,
Being in the Rocky Mountains is one of the most beautiful experiences in my life. It is gorgeous here. With the stately mountains, so magestic, looming above, and around me, in the town of Canmore. I really enjoy being here. Although, I do miss my family in Edmonton, Swift Current, Winnipeg, and of course my great friends in Regina.

There is something wonderful about being here. I feel happy, and more in control of my life. I wonder why that is. Maybe it is because I am alone here, and controlling my destiny, my way. I have just myself to worry about. I don't have to deal with other's problems. Actually, I don't mind helping others, family, friends...but sometimes my own life gets overwhelming, and here, I have some peace of mind. I wonder if that means I am a solitaire kind of person.

Usually back home, I enjoy socializing, visiting friends, going to movies, out for supper, walking around. But since the past year or so, I have cut a lot of that out of my life, to a degree. I have not been diagnosed, but I have suspected, and others have confirmed their suspicians, that I might have anxiety disorder. I have often wondered for a few years, especially since 1999, when I had a bit of a breakdown, but it was not public knowledge. Just a lot of crying for no reason, horrible nightmares of being a child et al...and not seeing a future for myself. But a lot has happened since then, mostly for the better.

I consider myself a stronger person now. That's not to say I have it easy and happy all the time. There are days where I can retreat within myself, and stay in my room for a few days and not go outside, because I feel drained and have nothing to give. Or times, where I get nervous when I am out in public, and I feel weird inside. Or, it's hard for me to cross a street, where there are no lights, but just a stop sign. I sometimes will walk slowly when I see cars lined up waiting to cross and turn, and then speed up to cross the street quickly, before anyone comes. It's hard to explain how I feel. If there are lights, it's not too bad, but I hate people watching me. Other times, when I was staying at my friends, Rich and Susan Letourneau's in Regina, they would have company and I would retreat upstairs to the safety of my room or the computer room. They sometimes wanted me to be downstairs but I couldn't. I didn't want to make "small talk" or act happy when I wasn't or for whatever reason. I just wanted to be left alone, till the company left. Or making a meal and then eating it within the privacy of my room. That is something I still do. I mean, I will eat out in public, but I am much better than what it was during the dark years of my bulimia. I am glad that I am victorious over my fight with bulimia. Not that I don't have mini relapses, but thankful it's not the struggle it was for many, many years starting in 1988. I could write a book just on life! Oh yeah, I have. I am just trying to get it published someday soon.