Sometimes I just like to think...about what? Not sure...I just like to think!

Hi All,
Sometimes I just like to think. Just lay there and think. Or at work, I will be thinking of countless possibilities. Of course, at work, doing Housekeeping all day, you have to think, otherwise you will end up crazy. So I just think about life, and God, and death, and my past and my future. I also think of my dreams, my fears, my interests, whether I will ever find love.
Speaking of love. I decided a few years ago, that I probably will never be married. Part of it stems from my childhood. I don't think I would make a good and effective parent. I know I would love my kids, but I would be too scared to fall in the trap of raising them in an abusive way. I don't ever want my kids to fear me. I know what fear is like. I lived with it for 10 years from age 6 and onwards. Actually, I lived with it from birth to age 6, but it was more of a survival technique. Or a different type of fear.
In some ways, I wish I could get married. I have been in committed relationships before, but all those times, I backed out before I could get too close. Maybe in some way, before I could get hurt. I don't know. I am 32, but I feel much, much older than my 32 years. If I passed away tonight, I feel that I lived my life and that's that.
A few weeks ago, my Mother's cousin passed away. I had met him a year before at my Auntie's wedding. I didn't know of him, but he was pleased to meet this Cameron, as opposed to his Cameron. His son was named Cameron too. We are second cousins. Anyways, he passed away of cancer. You know, I have never been a fan of funerals. I have been to a few, and sung at a few too. But his funeral was beautiful, elegant, personal, warm, and hearing his family and friends speak of him so, I knew that this was a person that loved life. I felt so sad for his family, how they will miss him.
But I digress, what I wanted to say, is that my Mom and I were able to talk about death later on. It was a special moment, both of us drinking tea, and sitting in Mom's nice, cozy living room, on her nice leather couches. We talked about God, death, and our fears, and hopes. It was really special! I told her that I want to be remembered, as someone who brought joy and a smile to other people's lives. I have so much fun talking with my Mom. We can talk about pretty much anything. She has really grown as a person, in many, many ways. So have I, but what amazes me, is that she was a former missionary in Africa in the 1970's, and now, she is still the same, but different. She radiates love, and compassion, and hope, but also a worldy attitude, but in a Godly way, too. Does that makes sense? To me, it does.
My Mom never had an easy life. She has gone thru so much. She could be the BOOK, and I could be the SEQUEL. I am so amazed, that she has NEVER lost her faith in God, or in Humanity. She is an inspiration, and I know I am not the only one who thinks that way about her. She is well loved. I guess it doesn't bother me about saying these things about my Mother. I mean, why should I have to save these thoughts of goodness and such, to put in her obituary, when she is gone and cannot hear them. Maybe these words can cheer her, and let her see, how loved she is. Although we always joke, that I will go before her, to Heaven. Because I can't bear to be at her funeral. And she always says, she will see my funeral from Heaven, as she wants to go before me, as she can't bear to be at her Son's funeral. So we compromise, and say that we hope the Lord takes us both, at the same time. Or that the Rapture comes and takes us, and the family altogether. Anyhow. These are some of my thoughts for the day...