What's New With Me...

Hi All,
I don't really think a lot is new with me. I am still in Edmonton but not sure what I plan to do in the near future. I may be heading back to the Mountains to work, or I may move to Manitoba. I have not lived in Manitoba since 1997, which is over 9 years ago. A lot has happened since then, that's for sure. I have discovered a lot about my heritage which is a wonderful thing. It's awesome to know from who I come from, a long line of Aboriginal people, and Metis people with some French and Scottish thrown in for good measure.

It's funny, but I have realized some things about myself. Not being diagnosed but with talking to people, and finding out things about myself. I go thru stages of depression. I have never written that before, and something I never wanted to acknowledge. But I am going to see a doctor about that, and what they can do, to make me feel better about myself.

I know I have always thought very poorly of myself, and still do. I have so much talent, and great ideas, and yet I feel I am just existing. And then I berate myself because I have opportunities to have a good job, and I just don't go. That's the truth. I don't know why I go. Am I setting myself up for failure, or what? I think it's because I get so anxious and so worked up that I just cannot do it. My anxiety disorder kicking in. Which is not a good thing.

And for me, it always stems to my past, I feel. To my hard childhood. Of being put in situations that scared me, where I had to be my best for others. Of high expectations. I also think, that being Aboriginal in a predominately white community didn't help either. I always had to work way WAY way harder than others, just to be, "Normal." To be precieved as normal, like everyone else. And now, at times, I just don't have that energy.

Don't get me wrong. I am mostly happy and positive, and thank the Good Lord for that. But other times I go thru my stages, where I will stay at home for days, and going out is a big chore and a big accomplishment.

I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. God never said it would be easy, but I do thank him for the many, many blessings He has given me!

My thoughts,
Cameron